Categories
parenting Uncategorized

Seventh grade is remarkably hard

It’s so hard to be a seventh grader. It’s so hard to parent a seventh grader.

Parenting through 6th, 7th, and 8th grade with my first one required more intensity than I’d had to put in at any previous stage, and it’s happening again with my second child. They fall apart emotionally, feel so intensely, feel uncomfortable and weird in their bodies, don’t know who their real friends are, can’t focus on schoolwork and get anxious and scared about that, are captive to the hormonal surges happening that switch them from bravado to rage to weeping in a few minutes, and just want to hide all the time.

They need us, a lot. More than when they were babies or preschoolers, by a lot. They need hugs and snuggles (a lot). Both of mine have spent more time in my lap–with their long legs flapping out to the sides–in seventh grade than in second through sixth grades combined. Even when they’re mad at me or trying to tell me I’m mad at them they want to be touching me.

I figured out with the first one that getting mad at him for being in a kind of disequilibrium he’d never experienced before and didn’t know how to handle was not going to get me anywhere I wanted to be. So I a) didn’t let myself get mad at him for normal-but-horrible developmental collapse, b) didn’t let myself take his lashing out or his scatteredness personally, c) did take his need to be touching me and hearing that I loved him personally, and d) shifted my view of him at this stage from autonomous tween to little kid going through a regression so I could be kind and sympathetic. (Perimenopause hit me like a ton of hot sweaty bricks when that same child was in eighth grade, and he was shockingly sympathetic to my inability to be in my body comfortably or control my emotions. Man bites dog.)

It was intense, deep, minute-by-minute work. I’m not sure I’ve worked as hard in such small increments since I was up nursing at 3 am every night. Back then I used to think about all the other mothers all over the world rocking their little babies. Now I think a lot about all the other parents snuggling their big kids. It is no less work going through it with my second child right now.

Two weeks ago I posted on Facebook that I don’t think I’ve recovered emotionally from seventh grade. I got story after story of adults who were still hurt by that grade (or sixth or eighth). A common theme was that kids that age felt disconnected from their friends and other kids or were being bullied or hurt or failing classes, and they couldn’t tell their parents. Or their parents wouldn’t help them or didn’t know how to help them. So they were alone, and that’s the part that still hurt. (It’s the part that still hurts me, too. I didn’t tell my mom for a long time that I was being bullied. It was the beginning of a lifetime of feeling truly alone.)

I don’t think it’s right that our culture makes seventh graders feel so alone that it takes us decades to recover. We should be increasing the challenge level for tweens but keeping them surrounded by a support system they can turn to when they fail or just need a hug. I am trying to keep my younger one tethered to his life and to his family and friends as much as I can, so this disequilibrium stage doesn’t sever ties he’s too young to be without.

I think the combination of the intensity required to parent through this age and our own unhealed hurts from being this age can be overwhelming. That doesn’t mean you can’t do a good job. It just means that it’s going to feel really difficult and probably like you don’t want to do it, and maybe like you can’t do it. But you can, and you are. I can and I am, too.

I think hugs are the way we make it through this tunnel.

Courage.

Categories
parenting Uncategorized

Reframe It (Parenting in Hard Times Part 3)

So many of us have been trying to figure out how to be cheerful and not scare our kids, which seems at odds with being honest with them about the truth. It feels like either/or. Either we lie and stay peppy so they don’t know anything’s wrong, or we tell them the truth of how bad it is and crush their feelings and terrify them. But what if we reframe the entire situation to make it about what we want our kids to learn from this instead of what we’re supposed to do perfectly?

Your job is to be kind to your kids, and one big way to be kind to them is to trust them to learn important things. Right now, in the midst of great sorrow, they can learn the most important things there are to know:

Your love for them is deeper than words.

They can trust you to do the best you can for them.

They are worth working hard for.

You will show them how to work for themselves.

When they get the chance to work for other people, they have to take it.

Relationships and community are of the highest value and are worth working for.

What if this crisis gives you the chance to apprentice your kids into being people who are strong and vulnerable, who can soothe themselves to be able to do what they need to do, and who work and fight for justice for others?

If you start thinking of these days as chances to show your kids that bad things happen but they can push back, even in teeny, quiet ways, you win. If you start thinking about what you tell them in terms of what will make them be able to make good decisions about how to act, you win. If you start looking for ways to teach empathy, kindness, and critical thinking, you win. You don’t have to worry about what information will do to them if you’re guiding them through how to receive and process and act on information as it comes in.

This is a tough request, especially when you’re feeling anxious and worried yourself. But it gives you a task to focus on that you know you can do. You’ve been helping your kids learn from the moment you met them. You can do this, too. Trust them to learn what you’re teaching, and trust yourself to be the teacher they need.

All my love,

Magda

Categories
parenting Uncategorized

Love The New Normal (Parenting in Hard Times Part 2)

Remember back when your kid was teeny and everything was horrible and you weren’t getting any sleep and you thought you were doing everything wrong and every minute seemed like an hour? And you wondered if that was the New Normal. Now you know that it wasn’t the New Normal, and most of those horrible things passed with time and some different horrible things aged in. It was all fleeting. The real New Normal was that you had another human in your life with thoughts and feelings and opinions, and you get to be with that person and watch them grow into who they are. The New Normal is actually kind of great once the immediate problems are gone.

We’re in the same kind of situation right now. We’re worried that the discrimination, lies, violence, racism, misogyny, fascism, overstepping authority, embarrassing statements, threats, bans, white supremacy, dismantling the system, and belligerence are the New Normal. They’re not, though. They’re the New Temporary. As the New Temporary they’re truly disgusting, but they’ll only become the New Normal if we stop fighting and working and pushing as hard as we can.

The real New Normal here is who we’re becoming in the middle of this.

Who are you now that you weren’t on November 7? I bet you have more layers, more resilience, more compassion, more strength, and better boundaries now than you did then.

What do you know now that you didn’t before? I bet you know so much more about so many groups of people in this country than you did before, along with what their experiences are like, and how you may have inadvertantly harmed them by things you did and systems you participated in. I bet you know more about how our government and political systems and electoral processes work. I bet you know what really matters to you, and what you’re willing to do to preserve freedom and justice for yourself and for others. I bet you know now that you’re not isolated and that there are millions and millions of people in this country who look nothing like you but want the same things you do.

What can you do now that you couldn’t before? I bet you can make phone calls to strangers every day. I bet you can go stand at protests and march for hours and chant with groups of people you have varying things in common with. I bet you can analyze what are good sources of information and make critical arguments of propaganda more directly than you could before. I bet you can assess who has your best interests at heart and who doesn’t, and maintain strong healthy boundaries. I bet you can keep pushing hard at the same time you’re laughing with glee at stupidity.

For years I’ve read obituaries of people who really contributed, and wanted to have that same record of contribution. I don’t mean people who were the most famous in their fields, but people who had years and years of cumulative work in their communities, of service and influence and contribution. And I’ve thought about how lucky they were to have been able to do that, to work steadily to make things better for their people. Right now we are all learning that. We are all doing that. We are all being that. We are contributing. And we get to keep going, even after the New Temporary is over and we get what’s left of our country on a better track. We get to keep doing this and being this in ten years, twenty years, fifty years. That is the New Normal. You get to be part of it and to raise your children immersed in care and love and activism.

All my love,

Magda

Categories
parenting Uncategorized

Keep It On An Even Keel (Parenting in Hard Times Part 1)

Keep it on an even keel.

Kids need routine and stability. You need routine and stability. In the middle of the world falling down around us, the only one who can provide routine and stability for you and your children is you.

You may be feeling like you can’t keep it together logistically, if things get any worse (and that may be true). You may be feeling like you can’t keep it together emotionally for much longer (or that you aren’t currently keeping it together emotionally). But you have to stick to routines, for your kids and for yourself.

There are three things to know about all the madness swirling around us right now:

1. You can’t fix everything that’s happening. There are some things you don’t have any control over, and there’s no leverage point you can access to control those things. There are some things you do have influence over, and you need to take action, but you can’t do everything on every front. If you have a daily action plan, follow that. If you don’t, get one, and then follow it.

2. You shouldn’t fix everything that’s happening. It’s not your job to. There are 188 million adults in America who didn’t vote for Trump, and if even 3% of us are active in resisting, that’s more than 5 1/2 million people doing resistance work on a daily basis. That’s a lot of people, and more are joining us every day as the Bannon administration gets worse and worse. There are jobs for everyone. But no one should try to fix everything, because it isn’t reasonable. And no one else can take care of your children the way you can. That’s still and always your most important job.

3. The bad guys are creating chaos on multiple fronts because they can, and because they’re trying to incapacitate you with panic. If you stop living a normal life, they win. If you dig in to routines and to normal life, you win for everyone. Your stability and consistency provides stability and consistency for the entire country. If you descend into panic or obsession, that undermines the exact structures and systems we’re trying to save. Don’t help them destroy things. Grit your teeth and keep going.

This is going to be a long fight. And now that we know how to fight, we’re going to be fighting forever. So you need to find a way to create a good, safe environment for your children in the middle of the struggle. That means keeping up routines, including emotional routines. Hugs, kisses, snuggles, wrestling, feeding them good foods, making sure they get exercise and seeing sunshine when there is any, helping them with homework, asking them to do chores, following daily and weekly traditions, seeing friends, staying connected to family members, maintaining faith routines, and play. Lots of play.

Your heart is breaking, but don’t let that break your kids’ hearts. Stay boring, loving, and solid for them.

All my love,

Magda

Categories
parenting Uncategorized

Thoughts on detaching from the system and being anti-racist

Stay with me because this might be a bit of a winding path:

A few weeks ago, one of my friends asked his friends who are concerned about racism to be actively anti-racist. Not to just call out racist behavior, but to “examine the ways in which your own behavior contributes to the maintenance of racist thinking and behavior.”

I am guessing that this is going to confuse some people who have been operating under the assumption that calling out racist behavior/speech/etc IS being actively anti-racist. I’m also guessing that these same people (maybe you, because I know it was me not that long ago) are feeling tension about Colin Kaepernick’s protest–very much supporting him, but feeling a little friction about the relationship of protest at a public job, how race plays into it, how the national anthem represents America–and are also confused about how to effectively support #BlackLivesMatter and be actively anti-racist in daily life if you can’t quit your job to protest.

I think white people don’t know how to be anti-racist and don’t know the difference between being not racist and being anti-racist. And Black people and other people of color keep asking us to get our shit together to really be anti-racist, but we don’t know how. We can post a zillion articles. We cry every time another Black man or woman or child is murdered. We can make conscious efforts to broaden the opinions and sources we read and watch to include Black voices and to get out of the echo chamber. But that doesn’t seem to be enough for our Black friends and we don’t know why, and they’re totally right but we’re doing what we think is the best we can without asking for cookies, and everyone’s frustrated.

Here’s the end of the yarn to start pulling on and unraveling: Human rights activists are asking white people to be willing to give up the systems that privilege us and that harm people of color. That sounds too big to really understand–all forest, no trees–but let’s dive in, because understanding these systems and how they affect you and other people (Black, white, Latinx, everyone) in this country and around the world is the first step in figuring out if you can give them up. (Spoiler alert: They’re hurting you, too, and you can give them up.)

We’re living inside layered, intersecting systems that were created by humans at different points in history to encourage certain behavior and deter other behavior. And those systems look “normal” to us so we don’t really see them–we just move around in them every day, with varying degrees of difficulty. But they’re all false systems that have been created, influenced by whoever had or wanted power, and by whatever those people with power were afraid of.

The easiest example is how neighborhoods and cities are zoned and taxed. Most municipalities in the U.S. grew organically at the beginning, but as soon as city planning happened, neighborhoods were zoned and taxed deliberately to keep certain people in certain areas and others in other areas. If you grew up in a city with different ethnic enclaves (or even remnants of those enclaves), you know where the Polish neighborhood is and the German neighborhood and the Irish neighborhood are. You also know where the Black neighborhood is. That didn’t just happen. It was planned and local government decisions reinforced those zones. Different communities of people (usually divided by race and ethnicity, although we say it’s by economic level, not admitting that race and economic status are entwined) had different amounts of influence, and the ones with more resources, time, energy, and access got to protect their zones, while the ones who started out in the hole didn’t have time or energy or skills to prevent the decisions that keep hurting their neighborhoods.

I grew up in Toledo, OH, which has one of the largest groups of people of Hungarian descent in the country, and my great-grandparents were immigrants from Hungary. My grandfather grew up in the Hungarian neighborhood of  Toledo (which you know about if you ever watched the tv show M*A*S*H*, because the character Klinger always talked about Tony Packo’s restaurant, which is in the Hungarian neighborhood). Hungarians have some cultural tics that helped them become embedded in the community without ever really taking over, but they had just enough power that when the city wanted to slice their neighborhood in half by putting a major highway right down their main street, they pushed back and fought the placement of the road. Where did that road go? To another neighborhood, of people with less privilege than my Hungarian relatives had.

Where are the major highways in your city? What neighborhoods did they cut through and destroy? What people live there now, and what people lived there before those highways were built? Is there someplace in your area in which real estate prices are doubled when you cross a street? How did that happen? Who decided that houses in one neighborhood should cost twice as much as houses in another neighborhood? What happens to the tax bases (and along with that, the services the municipalities provide to citizens with their own money, such as fire fighting, law enforcement, schools, other infrastructure) of the two areas. How do resources stay in one community and not the other?

Zoning and decisions that are made about neighborhoods and communities have been used to harm Black people for hundreds of years. But I’ll argue that they aren’t helping you if you’re white, either. Thinking about my Hungarian ancestors: Why didn’t the city come up with a way to route the highway that did the least harm to all neighborhoods involved, or to harm the neighborhood that had the most resources and was therefore more resilient in the first place? Why did the Hungarian community have to rally and waste all that energy and their political capital on this highway issue, instead of using it to build something to make their neighborhood or the entire city stronger? How much energy and money and worry are YOU spending because of the pressures of living where you live? (Why do you live where you live, anyway? If you’re a parent, we know why. And that’s all tied to zoning and taxes and decisions that were made fifty years ago and continue to be made now. You’re supposed to be grateful about being up at night worrying about paying your mortgage, btw.)

Here’s another system that leaped to my attention the other day while I was watching tv: Credit and credit scores. Everyone in the U.S. who interacts with the banking system or who has ever bought anything without cash or a check has a credit score. And your credit score determines what rates you get when you take out a loan to buy anything like a house or car or even a mobile phone. For decades, citizens have been subject to the tyranny of these credit scores, but all they actually reflect is when and how you pay your bills. (With some weird finesse tossed in there, like never paying down your credit card balance all the way. If nothing else, that little quirk of the system exposes it as fabricated.) We’ve attached a moral value to having good credit, but John Wayne Gacy could have good credit if he pays his bills on time and the old lady down the street whose social security check gets stolen out of her mailbox could have horrible credit if she can’t pay a bill one month and then it balloons so she can’t catch up.

Since the recession, so many of us have gotten caught in some kind of credit problem, aided and abetted by bank and store and credit card policies of fines and penalties and ballooning interest rates so that if you fall behind one month it can take years to catch up. And the market has responded by detaching from the credit system just enough that they can still have customers. If you listen to local commercial radio in the car, especially country or hip-hop stations, you’ve heard commercials for car dealers who “finance any credit.” They have to, or else they wouldn’t have enough business, because so many people have non-perfect credit now. I’ve been watching this and wondering what was going to happen since the credit score system has lost its stranglehold on the public–we know that paying our bills is important, but we also know that getting behind and trying to catch up doesn’t mean we’re bad people any more than paying on time means we’re good people. And this secondary market is developing. What was going to happen next? (This is what nerds like me think about instead of reading suspense novels.)

And then it dropped, right in the middle of an episode of Fixer Upper: A commercial from one of the major credit reporting agencies (you tell me this isn’t a fabricated system dedicated to keeping certain groups privileged over others if there are THREE “credit reporting” companies) came on and it blew my mind. Soft focus, sweet inspiring music, and an image of an adorable baby learning to walk, with a voiceover (reassuring older male voice) telling us that building and maintaining our credit scores is “a skill.” This company is paying to run this ad to convince us that conforming to a system that actively ruins people’s lives and is less important now in the market is a necessary skill for being an adult in this country. The rhetoric is obvious and hilarious, except that people are going to believe it and feel bad about trying as hard as they can and still being trapped.

Does the credit system (as it exists now) help you? If your credit isn’t perfect, no, it doesn’t. And if your credit is perfect, it’s not helping you, either, because you’ve got enough stability that you’d be fine in whatever system existed instead.

Start thinking about these system around you. Are they helping you? Are they helping Black people and other people of color? Could you detach from them and be living a peaceful life if there was a more equitable replacement system? Here’s where I think some of us get hung up on the “detach from the racist systems” concept. I think we think that means that things would be flipped so Black people had privilege and white people would be disenfranchised, and who wants to be disenfranchised. But there are ways to structure systems that sustain and help everyone, in all areas of life, from our financial system to the way we structure work and work organizations to how we maintain peace in our communities to how we provide services to humans. They don’t look like the way things are run now. But I’m ready, because I have no emotional attachment to systems that aren’t built for the benefit of everyone.

Becoming aware and ready to detach from these systems isn’t being anti-racist, but it’s the foundational step to being ready to be anti-racist. And you’ll be shocked at how as soon as you start examining how things are structured around you and who they benefit, and understanding that you don’t owe your loyalty to any system, ways of thinking and acting and speaking that are actively anti-racist just start to make sense. Because being anti-racist is simply about respect and attention, and equal access.

Categories
management parenting Uncategorized

When “just work it out” creates more trouble

I’ve been sick this week and have been lying down on the job with parenting my kids. I’ve been sleeping a lot in the evenings (or just zoning out on the couch while I try to drink fluids) and my kids have been doing the stuff they’re supposed to do (mostly), which is the benefit of having a teen and a tween instead of little kids who need to be directed. But one thing that’s been happening is that my older one has been mean to his younger brother and I haven’t been catching it and setting up any expectations for better behavior. They’ve been dealing with each other on their own, and it’s become a little lopsided.

Not coincidentally, I’ve been talking to clients and friends who are dealing with situations in which one employee is either bullying others or simply blocking action so no one can get anything else done. And management hasn’t been stepping in to censure or fire the problematic employee because they want everyone to “just work it out.”

IF ONE PERSON IS STONEWALLING OR BULLYING OTHERS, IN ANY SITUATION, AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE GROUP, YOU HAVE TO STEP IN.

There’s this fundamental misconception that people are just going to be able to work things out and be harmonious and work together, as siblings or coworkers. And that’s clearly Just Not True. First of all, not everyone wants things to work out or wants harmony. In every work-related situation I consulted on this week, the employee creating the blocks was doing so specifically to attempt to preserve power. And my teen is messing with his brother because he thinks it’s fun. The only people who want harmony in these situations are the people who can’t create it (because the other person is causing the problem) or the manager/parent (um, me) who isn’t stepping in.

Second, allowing both parties in a dispute to just resolve it on an even playing field only makes sense in a situation in which both (or all parties) have the same intentions and weight of risk of the outcome of the dispute resolution process. Basically, we’re assuming there’s a free market of intentions and that all other things being equal, the logical course of action is going to make the most sense and everyone will agree with it. Insert your own joke about how Milton Friedman must never have met YOUR kids, because there’s no such thing as a free market of intentions in a conflict situation.

If we were in the same room, I’d talk with my hands or use M&Ms to show you how this all plays out, but we’re not, so let me just go back to Game Theory and use numbers to explain it:

Let’s say that Person X is trying to hoard information about something I need to get done at work, and I can’t do my job effectively because she won’t tell me what she knows. So our boss tells us to go into the conference room and talk it out, ladies. Going into this conversation/confrontation, I’m 100% invested in this, because if I can’t get her to lay off the gatekeeping and just let the info come to me, I’m hosed. I can’t get my job done. At the same time, she’s just trying to stay in power and she knows there’s nothing I can do to her (because if there was our boss would already have told her to cut it out), so she comes in invested maybe 30% in this negotiation.

So I’m at 100% risk and she’s at 30% risk, before we even walk into the room. Now, as all good faith negotiations go, we each use a lot of “I statements” and we take turns with the talking stick and blah blah blah. THE ASSUMPTION IS THAT BOTH OF OUR POSITIONS AND FEELINGS ARE EQUALLY VALID. No one penalizes her for being a jerk who’s trying to screw with my ability to get my job done. No one gives me credit for just trying to come in and do my job well every day. We’re assumed to be equal. So then the solution we arrive at involves each of us compromising equally, 50/50. I give 50% and she gives 50%.

Now do the math:

Me: 100% x 50% = 1.0 x 0.5 = 0.5 = 50%
Her: 30% x 50% = 0.3 x 0.5 = 0.15 = 15%

So I got penalized 50% FOR A SITUATION I DIDN’T EVEN CREATE and she got penalized 15% for deliberately messing with my job and life and ability to feed my children.

And I still don’t even completely have her out of my business, because we compromised.

You can go in and substitute any situation in which one person is harassing another person or blocking another person, about video games or chores or project metrics or who gets to ride in the front seat or program funding or face time with the CEO or meeting deadlines or anything that happens at home or work. This is why you can’t go into couples’ counseling with an abuser. This is why you can’t go into mediation with a vendor who has no legal repercussions for not fulfilling a contract. It’s all about risk and investment, and the problem of assuming that both parties get equal say and equal priority.

So, what does this all mean? It means that if you’re a parent, please please don’t do any of that “I don’t care who started it; I’m going to finish it” crap we grew up with that assumes a free market of intentions and ability to change a situation. Instead, if you notice that one of your kids is consistently the aggressor, make that a no-win situation for them (without involving the other kid, if possible) to guide them into better behavior toward their sibling.

And it means that if you’re a manager, step in. Don’t tell your employees to hash it out on their own. That’s lazy and cowardly, for one thing. You can be conflict-avoidant on your own time, but if you’re being paid to run a team, run the team. Spend some time and do some due diligence on what the underlying dynamics are so you can identify who’s doing the blocking. And then require better behavior of them. If they can’t stop, they need to move out of your team. You cannot sacrifice the entire team and your employees who are 100% invested because you’re afraid to fire someone who’s trying to hoard power or prevent the team or others from doing the best work.

Here’s a plug for my RISWS process for managers: It’s a low-stress, high-reward way to figure out what the flow is in your department so you can see this stuff coming and head it off before it becomes a big problem OR you can gather the evidence you need to be able to fire someone who is taking the whole department down. Anyone acting in good faith benefits from using this process and anyone who’s not acting in good faith gets flushed out.

If you are an employee in a department in which the manager won’t take any action to guide a bullying/blocking employee into better behavior: Ouch. I’m sorry. It’s not you. And you can’t fix this. And being kinder and nicer and more accommodating to the blocker is only going to make things worse (because they’ll gain even more power from that and less investment, while you now have even more investment). You could refer your manager to my RISWS process (because we spend time working on interpersonal dynamics in the department as I teach the manager the process) if you think they’d go for it. You could find another job someplace else (that’s probably the simplest thing to do, as long as you don’t carry any bad feelings about not having been able to fix the situation on your own). You could see if you can go over your manager’s head (DICEY, and I don’t recommend it unless you really have a direct line that won’t come back and bite you later). Whatever you decide to do, just know that it isn’t you.

If you want to read more about Game Theory in a way that you don’t have to be a mathematician or strategist to understand, check out The Art of Strategy: A Game Theorist’s Guide to Success in Business and Life by Dixit and Nalebuff.

Categories
management parenting Uncategorized

Agile methodology, parenting, and managing people: some thoughts

This is going to be another one of those “everything’s connected” posts that people either love or hate, so enter at your own risk.

I think ALL THE TIME about how to free up people to do their best work and get into the flow state. It’s basically my whole parenting method: Facilitate and support my kids in experiencing a lot of things and then creating and maintaining their own boundaries so they can do what brings meaning to them. And it’s what I think good management should be, too: Facilitate and support your people in developing their strengths and maintaining boundaries so they can do what brings meaning to them.

And I think a lot of the time about processes and systems. I am a problem solver even when I try to turn off my brain, and the way I solve problems is by looking for the moving parts. You can’t tell what’s a moving part if all you have is chaos. You have to have a system or process in place so that you know what are the set pieces and what are the variables. Then, at the next level of problem solving, you look at all the data of the variables and recognize patterns, and then the anomaly is where you start looking for a solution to your problem. So the more processes and systems I’m familiar with, the better.

Which is all a long way to explain why I was research agile software development methodology. I don’t write software, but I’ve worked for software companies and am familiar with the constructs of traditional software development, and I wanted to find out how agile is different. So I popped on over to agilemethodology.org and started reading. And then I felt one of those classic “OMG, you like peanut butter?? I like peanut butter, too!” moments of recognition.

Let’s roll back a little to talk about my process of developing the Tilmor Process for managing people, that gives managers a continual data stream of information on their employees so they can help them develop their strengths and remove barriers to engagement and productivity. I came from the basic assumption that it makes more sense to take the people you have and help them do their best and keep them engaged than it does to focus rigidly on roles and try to force people into them at all costs. And a lot of that is changing mindsets so that people are allowed to trust each other and focus on working together instead of on defending territory and roles. The Tilmor Process is a process that you follow to deal with the individualities of people and with the individualities of their problems and competencies. It’s a cycle that creates continual progress and continuous improvement and trust-building.

So when I started reading about how agile development uses the Scrum project management structure to get continual data and create an improvement cycle, I thought these two methods (Scrum and Tilmor Process) were really similar at the core, although radically different in the actual process. Both are focused on working in the middle of the process and making constant improvements. Both realize that a long process without feedback can lead to disaster. Both prioritize new information and decisionmaking that celebrates information instead of assumptions.

Agile is “iterative and incremental,” which is what managing people using Tilmor Process is, too. No manager has to be perfect. Anyone promoted into a manager role can learn. Teams and their leaders learn together and improve together. Honest feedback–and then acting on that feedback!– is crucial.

And both of these methods seem a lot like parenting preschoolers. You can wait for your kid to do something wrong (and preschoolers are always doing something wrong) and then punish them for it once it goes too far. Or you can keep a consistent eye out and set up regular processes, so as soon as things start to deviate you can step in to offer guidance and correction (in the “let me help you make it better” meaning of correction, not the hot saucing meaning of correction) so the child gets help succeeding until they can do it on their own. Agile and Tilmor Process are the same thing: watch carefully, help, don’t penalize.

The other thing I think is really similar about relationship-focused parenting, agile, and Tilmor Process is that they’re threats to traditional power structures because they focus on people and relationships and they trust people and relationships instead of trusting rules and penalizing people. So even though they make so much more sense than the more traditional, control-based, oppositional methods of parenting, product development, and managing people, they can be tough to institute because they require that the people in power take their hands off the wheel and trust these relationship-based processes.

Trust people. It’s a timeless but still-threatening concept. In a lot of areas.

Categories
parenting Uncategorized

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

I’ve seen so many people asking how we go on now, how we parent now. And I’m sad and horrified about what happened in CT, but maybe I’m lucky because I never felt safe before anyway.

I was three months pregnant in September 2001, living in New York City. So before my son was even born I knew that there wasn’t any one single minute of his life that was guaranteed. That has seriously affected the way I parent him and his brother, and how I live my life.

What I know is that there’s nothing external that keeps me or my
kids safe. No building, or government, or lock that keeps the good guys in and the bad guys out. There’s no magical thing or series of things I can do to guarantee that my kids are safe 100% of the time. And that’s frightening, but it’s also forced me to focus on what I CAN do.

(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

And what I can do is look at the essence of my kids and of the world we live in. The first step, for me, is forming relationships. I want to be
enmeshed in my community–my neighborhood especially. I make it a point to talk to the people who live and work around me. I want the people on the street and in the houses and stores and restaurants to know who I am, who my kids are, where they belong, and for me to know who these people are and where they belong and what they need. That also means voting for things that will strengthen communities and families so that we don’t get fragmented and destabilized. There is no such thing as safety, but there’s trust, and the more you use it, the more it grows.

Then I work on the personal. I want my kids to know that they are loved, and to be able to carry that with them. I also want them to trust
themselves and their own instincts. And that only happens if I trust my
own instincts and model that behavior for them. If you haven’t read
Gavin de Becker’s Protecting the Gift, go read it as soon as you finish
this post. It’s a roadmap for helping yourself trust what you know on a
gut level about what’s safe and what’s not, and not getting tricked or
distracted by the things we’re told to fear when the actual dangers are
right there in plain sight.

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)

So I’ve focused a lot on trusting my instincts about who and what
are safe situations, and then being very overt about describing that and
what I felt to my kids. I want them to grow up not only trusting their
instincts but having language to describe the process of trusting their
instincts. Once when my little guy (he’s in second grade now) was 4, he
and I were on the subway on the way to preschool, and some 20-year-old kids got on the car and started fighting and something about it felt
wrong, not just normal kid fighting. It turned out to be a knife fight.
Because I trusted my instinct that something was wrong, I’d grabbed my son and yelled out at the other mom and kid on the car and the four of us were through the door onto another car before anyone else even heard us yelling at them or noticed the knives. Afterward we talked a lot about how I knew. (How did I know? A prickly feeling and a perception that something wasn’t fitting in right, like when you try to force the wrong puzzle piece in–the same way I knew when I was about to be robbed at gunpoint when I lived in Mexico. I’ve learned to trust that prickly feeling.)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

I also want my kids to look for the helpers, but even more than that
I want them to BE the helpers. My son saw me yell “Tiene cuchillo!” at
the other mom on the car and saw the two of us work together to get our kids out and warn the other passengers. My older son knows that if
something happens I will hand him my phone and his job is to call 911
and describe the situation and hold his brother’s hand while I help the
situation. Remember my friend who caught the child rapist? She and I used to talk all the time about being the helper. If you rehearse it
enough times you don’t hesitate when the situation arises. It’s ok if
you’re afraid, because everyone’s afraid, but there is always something
you can do to make things better.

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

So I didn’t hesitate to tell my kids about Sandy Hook. My ex-husband
called to strategize about how to tell them, but neither of us
considered not doing it. We decided to do it together, and approached it from a “there’s something you need to know” point of view, and that
that’s why adults were all so on edge. Both kids were sobered, but
neither of them were fearful. It was like talking about what you do if
you fall or get pushed onto the subway tracks, or if you get locked into
the bathroom, or who you approach if you get lost, or what you do if
one person gets stuck on the inside of the subway car and one on the
platform, or the house catches on fire, or someone gets hit by a car. It
was like talking about Hurricane Sandy and making more extensive escape plans than we’d had before. It is serious, but we trust you enough to tell you the truth.

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

And here, I’m going to go here, too: We talk about how some kids are
not safe all/most of the time, and how those kids tend to be poorer
than my kids are. And that they need to be aware of that and do whatever they can not to contribute to that problem, and not assume that what happens to them on a daily basis is what happens to everyone else. My kids can’t solve that problem now, but I owe it to them to tell them the truth and let them decide later what they will do in response.

So I am not afraid. My kids know the truth. They know to be ready, and to offer what they can.

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

[“i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)” is by e.e. cummings]

Categories
management parenting Uncategorized

Don’t go

You are important to someone. Even if that person is too little to say it to you yet. Even if you haven’t talked to that person in years. There is someone who will never recover from the you-sized hole you leave if you go.

I know what it’s like, the pain. Every minute of being alive tastes scorched; every breath hurts like the slice of a knife. Knowing that there isn’t really anything good enough about being here, for any of us, to outweigh the bleakness. Feeling the hurt of the whole world channeled through the dull greyness of every 3 am minute.

How did any of us who’ve been there hold on until things got better? I honestly don’t know. For some of us it was a choice. Knowing something was going to change, even a little bit, if we could just hang on. But for others it’s just not going. Wake up, go to sleep. Eat. Repeat that enough times and one day it doesn’t hurt as much. Who knows why.

You are not perfect. You may screw up on a daily basis. You may feel like your efforts don’t do anything. Like everything you touch turns to crap. Like the people around you would be better off without you. But that is not the case. It’s just not. No one is perfect. Everyone screws up. It’s what makes us real and layered and interesting. You are as special for your faults as despite them.

Someone I loved and lost once told me, “It’s no trick for God to work through someone perfect. The more broken you are, the more God shows his glory by shining through you.” Whether you believe in a guiding force or not, the universe creates imperfection. You in all your weakness are exactly what we need.

Please stay. Even if you don’t know how. Just keep getting up in the morning. Eat what you can. Drink water. Go to bed, even if you can’t sleep. Go outside and turn your face to the sun. If you can, do this with Teresa for 3 minutes a few times a day. And tell someone how you feel. A friend. A stranger. Leave it in the comments here.

Don’t go.

This post is for my friend Ray, who went.